green-eyed nostalgia

being human is an everlasting process of realizing stuff. realizing you’re never the best or the worst at anything, realizing certain goals might change in the course of our lives, realizing you’ll live longer than you expected, realizing it’s pure love what you get when you do that secretly thing nobody knows of you, but perhaps most importantly for a gay guy of the youtube era, realizing how important it is to perfectly know how to flirt with that smiling golden guy he comes across at a random place. alright, that might not be important, but let’s face it, it kinda is. but there are other things, the actual things, things that aren’t things but shapeless faraway memories created by the most mysterious force, like when i talked to the  friend these hard times are making me forget. long ago i thought:

it turns out that bright eyes have recently been after me. sure thing. as usual, i escape my reality in just a few ways, like working out here. too much freakin’ noise, yeah, but at least there are no sharp voices or smells,,, they give me the creeps….. here is fun. there are guys & you can’t tell if they’re like you. i like their skin, their sweat, their wearing tanks……. geez, i’m horny already, but yeah, that’s the way it is. oh shit, here he comes,,,, “Hey, doing OK?” this green-eyed trainer is really something. i must get over this, i mean, he’s straight, after all,,,,,, but why the heck he keeps talking to me if he knows i’m so fuckin’ weird? “Yeah, a bit busy, you know, uni doesn’t even let me come as often as i’d like…” let’s go on talking, i need to feel alive.                                “You know? I’d like you to teach me some English, have some time? How about if we meet, say, per hours a week…” OMG!….. is this shit actually happening? are you up there laughing at me? i,,,,,                    “Sure thing, I can do that!”                      “I can help you out with your training, you know…” then so be it, dude! so be it, life! there’s no one else here, i don’t need to play dumb. whatever, let’s go to the dumbbells spot.            it’s nice that he helps me out here. but his talking about girls is getting on my nerves. dude, i don’t give a shit about them,,, just don’t talk about that!                          this talk is getting weirder than usual…                            here i go, “Well,… let me tell you… but don’t laugh at me, right? I… most of the times… I usually… get tired of people… That’s it… of people, of things… It’s a shitty feeling of continuously wanting to get more and more. You get what you want, but there’s always something else, unreachable, and you just can’t help it!” oh, shit, did i just say that?                             “Yeah, and it pretty much happens with sex…” we’re sharing too much information!, why is that? i bet it hasn’t even been a year after we started talking. clearly as water, i remember when all of this began. “what relaxes you the most?” ….. “I bet you got a damned sexual-related issue” ………….Of course i do, dude, i wanna make out with you, but it’s not just that! i wanna hug u till the end of the world, feel your dreams, fears & strength so i’m not sick anymore. but how the hell i’m supposed to tell you all of this? just out of the blue?                                     at this point i’m again getting over this sort of situation……. i guess……….. there’s no fuckin’ way…….                              here me again “So where you’d like to go the most?” what sort of place will he possibly tell me? “Paris!, and the tower”………                  training, training, training, nearly on our own, here we are. did he see my smile? hope not. “Don’t scare me, dude!” Could i do so? it turns me wild to see that weird fear…. you oughta show your naughty whiteness a li’l more, you know……      “Have you ever tried writing?” do you write? “Something like ‘I feel sad today'”             is this shit real? WTF! why are you telling this to me? “There’s the feeling, whatever shit, you just write it down, it’s amazing, isn’t it? … i’m not so talkative, you know.” i myself write so i know perfectly what you mean. we’re just fools, lost dreamers who’re after something they don’t exactly know. what the hell are you after?………..who are you?      “See ya! go online at night if you can”. hey, his behind’s really cute. bye, dude, i look forward to the english lessons. i’ll delightfully play the teacher.



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