what happened

what happened

"treadmill, bike, squats, press,,, and i'm done with it"

i had told myself to recall that first sentence that i came up with after what happened… yeah, I had to put that into words, into images, into everlasting visions, into eternity, into my soul, into universe, into the night, into my life…

that’s wwhy no matter where, pencil and paper must be close to you. SHIT! just as when drawing… one day of no-drawing is one day of no thousand artworks… it is what it is. SHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT! Let’s get back, then… No, what for? I then told myself it wasn’t worth it… IT HURTS SO BAD. I then came to realize that no matter what kinda pain, what kinda deep sorrow human beings feel, it always ends up fading away… sometimes it goes with the blink of an eye, sometimes it just takes a lifetime! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! it is what it is, and it was what it was:

dude: i wasn’t thinking about you early this morning, nor yesterday nor the day before yesterday. Know why? i don’t know if this shit is just a crush or just love… what the fuck are you? i had gone thru this, you know, with this friend of mine i used to love… then vacation time began and voilà! he was gone, i had managed to fall out of love! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT! everytime i’m with him i feel a weird close connection blurred by his homophobia and my being closeted! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT! but that’s not the case anyways, you’re another one… another special someone that gets close and talks to the quiet guy,,, me as always bla-bla-blaing my mind, goin’ upstairs to my favorite treadmill hall, and there you are, not sportive this time, but dressed in a way i had never seen you before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! it’s it’s it’s hhhim! “What’s up?” he says, “what’s up” me repeats… “when are you back here? Shame i’m leaving” say, say somethin’, just don’t stay there like a fool, don’t stare at his outfit, don’t gaze at his green-eyed beauté, come on! “well… perhaps tomorrow” he’s not on his own, there’s a girl, SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT! let’s just end this crappy convo! I wanna go home! I wanna go to bed! “ok then, message me” you bet “right, bye then!” shush, heartbeat!, don’t you see other people working out here can hear us?, shush! Freakin’ treadmill, not working, as usual,,, SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT! man, i wanted to… i wanted to,,, i wanted to be with you, i wanted you to talk to me about physics, Freud, and those silly things that make my day!

now i remember the sentence i came up with after the encounter! “SCREW YOU, FTV, i could’ve been earlier if i hadn’t been watching your goddamned gods! what was i thinking about? Shit”. all my energy’s gone… hey, don’t look at me you skinny boy… you don’t know what has just happened… i’d better go to the toilet, i need to burst so bad…

what the hell are you feeling, man? look, you’re no more than what you are, look at this mirror! look, NO ONE BELONGS TO YOU, just as you don’t belong to no one, and he is not the exception, is he? THIS HURTS SO BAD, tho. i wanna go home, i wanna  go to bed.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh, i guess i must get back… treadmill, bike, squats, press,,, and i’m done with it… let’s see, where’s my bottle, where is it? bottlellita! there… let’s get busy… he’s gone,,, he’s fuckin’ gone… make me walk faster, machinita, come on, because energies within me i gotta burn or else i could burst… come on, come on, make me jog, make me run, make me run run run run run run, run away, away away away away away, fly away, away away away away away, ay! that way!

Themonochromeman

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